Our Thursday blog posts have of late been largely educational in nature, which is a Good Thing. But although I always appreciate them for their relevance, timeliness, and thoughtfulness, I decided to instead opt for a little comic relief this time around.

After a hiatus, I got back into playing tennis last year while our weather was good. But where I live, we have cold and snowy winters from mid-November to mid-March, which necessitate playing indoors at that time of year. However, our local indoor tennis center is inconveniently located for me and my tennis buddies, especially in inclement weather. So, some of us decided to take up doubles pickleball this winter, for which there are better located indoor courts at a couple of local community centers.

It’s been said that pickleball is the fastest growing sport in America right now. If you’re not familiar with it, it’s an indoor and outdoor paddle sport that uses a perforated plastic baseball and incorporates elements of tennis, badminton, and ping-pong. Until this winter, I considered it ‘wiffle tennis for old people’, as do many tennis snobs.

Well, I decided to give it a try – and to my surprise, I’m loving it. It’s a fun game that’s challenging both physically and mentally; and while I get enough exercise to work up a sweat, it’s easier on my old bod than tennis (especially singles tennis). Unlike in tennis, a player’s age and gender are largely irrelevant in doubles pickleball; and even if someone has limited mobility, that limitation can be overcome by skill. I’ve played mixed doubles with people ranging in age from teenagers to octogenarians with equal enjoyment, and have come to like the game more than tennis.

I’d heard it said that it’s also an addictive game, and I can now attest to that fact. The people I play with could be termed ‘pickleball zombies’; they are a congenial lot and are eager to play as much as possible, with whomever is available – and like them, I’ve become somewhat of a pickleball zombie myself. The game is often in my thoughts, to the extent that after researching the technical aspects of the game and its gear (something I tend to do when I embark on a new activity), I’m now knowledgeable enough that some other players have started to solicit my advice on various topics. And I too want to play as often as I can, and I eagerly anticipate the next time the indoor courts will be available.

Interestingly, my passion for this new (to me) game seems to have had the side effect of rekindling my passion for writing (aha, a part of this post that’s relevant to the blog!). I’ve been in the doldrums writing-wise for the past few months, feeling generally uninspired and tending to regard the practice as more work than fun. But lo and behold, my pickleball fervor has also manifested in me wanting to write about it. I’ve found in the past that indulging in another passion for a while (such as guitar, tennis, and biking in my case) can help clear my mind and reinvigorate me for writing, and it seems to be happening again with pickleball. And as a bonus, I may have found a new niche to write in if I’m so inclined. To my knowledge, there are only three fictional pickleball books for adults in existence so far, and they appear to all be tame romances (there are also some children’s books, and of course a slew of nonfiction how-to books). But nada so far in mystery, horror, sci-fi, adventure, dark fiction, etc.

Perhaps the most important benefit of this reawakening for me is reaffirmation. I figure if a seemingly unrelated passion like pickleball makes me react by wanting to write about it, then maybe I’m a Real Writer after all. So, here’s what happened when I indulged that urge, which is a little pickleball tale I cobbled together for your reading pleasure (and I had fun writing it!).

A DEADLY DINK: An Inspector Zélote Dénouement

Faites attention, s’il vous plait! Your attention please! Merci. Please gazzer around. My name is Inspector Saumure Balle Zélote. I am a Fronsh man, so if you will please pardon my English, so to speak. Zat was a joke. Perhaps you have heard of me? Many say I am ze greatest detective in ze world. No? Well, no matter. Oh, and zese policemen wiz me are Officer Erne and Officer Stack. Zey are policemen from your city.

Now – why am I here in your American city, you may ask? You see, I am not only a police detective, but also an expert at ze game of pickleball, and it happens zat I am here on vacation for ze big PPA tournament. So, your police called on me to investigate ze murder zat occurred today at your indoor courts. Zis murder has some, how do you say, oddments? Yes, oddments, and it was hoped zat I could deduce how it was done – and ‘who done it’, of course, so to speak. I am sorry, anozzer joke, I know. But I assure you, I am conducting a serious investigation.

I am also sorry zat you have all been confined here in ze gymnasium. But because all are possible suspects, it was necessary zat none be allowed to leave ze premises. Now, as I said, zere are some oddments in zis case zat must be considered. One oddment is zat ze body mysteriously disappeared soon after I arrived, even wiz all ze exits guarded by your police. Anozzer oddment is zat when I examined ze body before it disappeared, I saw zat zere were bite marks. And anozzer one is zat ze skull was broken and part of ze brain was missing, and ze empty space was filled wiz a pickleball. I am sorry if I frighten you wiz zese gruesome details, but it is necessary so you will understand my deductions – which I have already completed, I am happy to tell you.

Ze famous detective Sherlock Holmes said zat when you eliminate ze impossible, what remains must be true, however improbable. Let us now proceed zusly. First, why was ze victim bitten, and why was a piece of ze brain taken? Could it be zat he was attacked by an animal? But zere are no animals here in zis building, and also why ze pickleball in ze head? An animal would not do zat. A psychopazic killer, one who would need no common motive to kill? Perhaps, but zen how did ze body disappear? Some kind of supernatural monster zen, perhaps? No, of course not, zat is impossible. So, we must assume ze attacker was a human person. But why attack ze victim in such a public place, where zere is so little privacy? Zis would imply zat ze motive for ze attack was related to ze game of pickleball. And so would ze pickleball stuck in ze victim’s head. A crime of passion? Perhaps, but what would be ze cause of zat passion, and again in such a public place? Still, it is possible zat jealousy could be ze motive for zis attack. After all, is it not true zat you are having your own little tournament here zis weekend? So if ze victim was a great pickleball player, killing him – or her, we must not be sexist – could be ze motive. However, I am told zat ze victim was not a great player, so he would not be likely to win ze contest or cause jealousy. And zere is no money prize for which to lust, so where does zat leave us? So you see, zis mezzod of reasoning did not produce a good result in zis case.

So, zen I considered ze opposite of Mr. Holmes’ mezzod of reasoning. Zat is, if one eliminates ze improbable, what remains might be true, even if it seems impossible. And it is zis consideration zat led me to eliminate ze improbabilities I just listed and deduce zat perhaps ze impossible is not so impossible after all. And so, I submit zat yes, ze attacker was a monster. Furzermore, I submit zat it was a zombie, which is known to consume flesh and brains. I know, I know, zat sounds, how do you say, batshit crazy! But you should listen to my reasons. Quiet, please! Also, ze victim may also now be a zombie, which would explain ze disappearance of ze body. Yes, zat is what I said.

Again, I must insist on quiet! Merci. Now please wait one moment while I read zis message on my pheune. Ah, yes. I directed your ozzer policemen to search ze building for ze murder weapon, and zey have found it. You see, I deduced from ze nature of ze victim’s head wound zat ze weapon was a pickleball paddle. I also deduced zat it was a heavy 18mm paddle, and I saw a wood splinter in ze wound. So, I deduced zat it should be an edgeless power paddle wiz a wood core, since a polypropylene core is not strong enough to produce such a wound. Also, ze angle of impact indicated zat it was a slice drive. Obviously, it could not be just a simple dink or drop shot, to make such damage. Lastly, ze attacker must be a banger to execute such a shot wiz enough power to break a skull. And your police did find such a paddle hidden in a supply closet – a wood paddle wiz blood on it, to be precise. So, ze attacker was a banger pickleball player wiz a wood paddle.

Again, begging your pardon while I do a, how do you say, headcount. One, two, four, eight… Ah yes, ze total is an even number. And since all who were in ze building are here, zis means zat ze attacker – and ze victim! – must be in zis room wiz us right now. As you know, when we play doubles pickleball, zere cannot be an odd number of players – and I was told zis is a doubles tournament. And I see zat you each have your paddle in hand, except for one player. You over zere! Where is your paddle, monsieur? Does zis one play wiz a wood paddle? And is he a banger? Oui? Officers, please detain zat player! And do not let him bite you!

Again, quiet please! And now, I see zat some of you are wearing hats, which you will now please remove. Yes, all must do it, please – even you, sir. Why do you not wish to remove your hat? Officer Erne, please carefully do it for him. Aha! You see? Look at ze head wound! And zere is ze pickleball in it! Again, I am sorry for zis gruesomeness. Zis is ze victim, and he is now a zombie too, just like ze attacker. Officers, please detain zis player as well – and again, be careful to not be bitten. Merci!

So, it seems zat zis zombie pickleball player wanted to make anozzer zombie like himself. So, zat was ze motive for ze attack. But pourquoi, and why here and why now? I suspect zis zombie player had designs on all ze rest of you players as well. Perhaps he desired to create a secret zombie pickleball league? Ah, but it is pointless to speculate furzer now. Interrogation of ze suspect will reveal more in ze end.

In any case, zis crime has been solved by me, so now you can play here in ze future wizzout fear. And now, one more pheune message, if you will pardon me for one moment. Merci… So! Now you may all shake my hand and congratulate me for my excellent deductions. Yes, yes, merci, yes… Your hand please, mademoiselle… Yes, merci beaucoup. Ah, Officers Petard and Briseur, merci for being so prompt. And now, toute suite, all officers quickly wrap all remaining players in zose portable pickleball nets and tie ze ropes you brought tight around zem! Be quick – and once again be very careful, do not get bitten!

Quiet, please! Screaming will not help you. Bien, très bien, merci, good job to all. You see, zere was one more deduction zat I did not share wiz you before, and shaking your hands proved it. Just as I deduced zey would be, all of ze hands I shook were cold like ice, and zere makeup came off on my own hand – which I must now soil my hanky to wipe. Also, zey are all wearing long sleeves and pants, which is yet anozzer oddment. Zerefore, all ze players here are zombies! Except of course zat ze unfortunate victim was a normal person and not a zombie until he had ze bad luck to enter zis tournament. Zis victim needed no makeup, incidentally, because he has not had time to decay yet. My deductive skills also tell me zat you zombies will also show head wounds like today’s victim – including ze embedded pickleball – when ze obvious wigs are removed later. I surmise zis practice may serve ze same branding purpose as gang tattoos. It may be zat zese balls will prove to have a special name or message on zem as well. Or perhaps placing ze pickleball in ze brain makes zem zink only of playing pickleball? Zis is again mere speculation at zis time.

You see, officers, we have indeed exposed an underground zombie pickleball league! You zombies may recall zat I teased zis possibility earlier. Sorry, but I could not resist. Zese zombie players recruit normal people to join ze league and zen convert zem, so zey will have more people wiz which to play pickleball. I must now confess to you zat zis is not ze first time I have encountered pickleball zombies, however not zis well organized. And it may not be ze last time. Je me demande… Could it be zat ze well known modern craze for pickleball among ze masses is being caused by pickleball zombies? Zis will merit furzer investigation.

But for today, we have stopped zese ones in zeir tracks, and now zis building will once again be a safe place in which to play ze pickleball. We must however remain ever vigilant. And so, officers, I encourage your police department to gazzer information on all pickleball groups in ze city, in case zere are any ozzer such occurrences. Do zis while I am in town, and I will be happy to help make your city safe for pickleball once again!

And now it is time for me to prepare for ze PPA tournament, in which I will be a contestant. Alzough I will compete against normal people and not zombies, it may be difficult to tell ze difference at my playing level – I am rated 5.25 on ze DUPR app, you know – except zat zese players do not bite. Usually, zat is. Zat is anozzer joke. So, bonne chance to me and au revoir to you all! I will now take my leave.

But wait! Officers, zose zombies have bitten ze ropes and are escaping custody! Do somezing! No, do not take hold of my arms, shoot zem in ze head! Zat is ze only way to put zem down for good. Officers, did you not hear me? And why is everyone laughing so? And… Aie, are you biting my arms? Mon Dieu, zese police officers are also zombies! Alas for me, zat is a possibility I did not consider. Why zen did you all indulge me and allow me to go on so? Were you playing a game wiz me? Officers, do you also play ze pickleball?

What is zat? You are laughing wiz me, not at me? So zis is anozzer joke? It is true zat pickleballers are a happy group – but you must admit, zis is a très serious joke. But no matter. It seems I cannot stop zis from happening to me, which I deserve for my shameful deductive failure. Well, I will now be able to play ze glorious game of pickleball all ze time wiz no worries, so zat is somezing. Smash, dink, kitchen sink, ha ha… May I now enter into your tournament?

LA FIN

My pickleball towel: