When I saw that I was scheduled to post on a horror site on President Lincoln’s actual birthday, there was never the slightest doubt about what the subject would be. Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter was a 2012 American horror film directed by Timur Bekmambetov, and starring Benjamin Walker in the title role with such actors as Dominic Cooper and Anthony Mackie, both known for their work in the Marvel franchise, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Joseph Mawle, and, who am I forgetting? Oh, Alan Tudyk as Steven Douglas.

With very few exceptions, the critics savaged this movie, with statements like “The historical epic and the monster movie run on parallel tracks, occasionally colliding but never forming a coherent whole,” … “What ideally might have been playful and knowing is instead uptight and dreary, with a visual scheme that’s so fake and cartoony, it depletes the film of any sense of danger,” and “Someone forgot to tell the filmmakers that the movie was supposed to be fun. Or at least smart.”

Naturally, with those oh-so-smarter-than-thou critics offering such opinions, I had no doubt that the movie was going to be an hour and forty minutes well-spent, and it didn’t disappoint. Now I have a bit of a dilemma ahead of me. I want to entice you to see the movie, so naturally I don’t want to leave a collection of spoilers. The rumor is that I’m a writer, so let’s see what I can accomplish.

The movie is based on a silly premise, and it is indeed played as serious as a heart attack. So what? So are the Marvel superhero movies, and I’d be hard-pressed to name anything sillier than those, so let’s move on.

The movie begins with a brief sequence showing Lincoln as a small child coming to the aid of his friend, a black child of similar age, who’s catching a whipping for interfering with slavers who are taking his father away. Lincoln’s father intervenes, and as punishment, the boss of the crew slips into the Lincoln home that night and kills his mother as the boy watches. Fifteen or so years pass, and Lincoln, now a young adult, hunts down the slaver to take his revenge. He shoots the man in the eye, which knocks him down, and Lincoln walks away. But when he turns back to survey his handiwork, the man is gone. He is approached by a man named Sturges who explains that the slaver is a vampire, which is why he didn’t die from a bullet to the brain.

From this point on, the movie expands into a full-on monster movie, and I have to say, for all its poor ratings, I enjoyed it tremendously. Of course, the ten-year-old boy who lives in this broken down old carcass enjoyed John Carter, too, so there’s that to consider. But look, this is a certain kind of movie. They weren’t trying to make War and Peace here, and I don’t see where the critics get off getting their panties in a wad because they played it seriously. The Abraham Lincoln of this movie is a 99¢ Store superhero in the same way that Buffy Summers is a 99¢ Store superheroine in her show. No capes, no silly costumes, just putting in the work that needs to be done.

This movie has a big feel to it, like the creators spent the money and put in the work, and it deserves to be seen. In one of the big cinematic scenes, Lincoln and his supporters are aboard a train and the vampires set fire to a huge wooden trestle it has to cross. As it begins to collapse and fall by sections into the gorge below, Lincoln and one of his chief allies escape the carnage by jumping from car to car as they fall like dominoes. You may find this scene to be silly, much as I found the Mission: Impossible scene where Tom Cruise’s helicopter is blown up, and the blast propels him forward to land on a moving train barely the worse for wear. You know what kind of movie this is going in. Check your on-board critic at the door and enjoy the ride!

And just for the record, this movie didn’t start this… sub-genre or whatever this is. It is based on the 2010 novel of the same name, but was predated by the 2001 horror parody Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter, the 2010 novel Queen Victoria: Demon Hunter, and spawned the 2012 mockbuster Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies. The following year saw Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters, which I also liked, and I refuse to apologize.

So, happy birthday, Abe! You were a great man in every iteration, and if you’d like to celebrate his birthday by taking in a movie, might I recommend this one? I mean, come on, you read Threads that Bind, so I know you have a soft spot for the dark. Why not indulge it with a rollicking good tale? And if you do, don’t forget to let us know what you thought in the comments. We’d love to hear all about it!